I guess you remember that in my last post, I wrote about how important it is for me to experience all the feelings that have come up on this journey. The last post was full of sadness and I talked about the fine line that seems to separate joy and sadness for me. Well, I am happy to report that the last two days have been incredible for me. I am beginning to catch glimpses of my old self–or maybe I should say my new self. I know I’m in the same body but my mind, body, heart, and soul have been changed by this journey. I would never wish this diagnosis on anyone, but now I can see that it truly has been a blessing for me.

So now you may be thinking I’m completely certifiable. How could this pain, sickness, sadness, and depression actually be a blessing in my life? I can tell you: it’s because I am weird like that. It is these times that force me to go outside myself and find out what I’m really made of. There’s a quote that expresses this for me: “You never know how strong you can be until being strong is your only option.” For me, this strength is not something I have found by myself. This experience is showing me that real strength requires being brave enough to say, “I am scared and I cannot do this alone.”

During this journey, I have opened myself up and let you ride this rollercoaster with me. It has been a ride, all right, but one made easier by each of you. I have also had some incredible people open themselves up to me, and that has truly been a blessing for me. I long to know the deep parts of other people’s hearts and souls. And I am so fortunate that this journey has allowed me to get to know people I otherwise would never have had the chance to meet. Just like my alcoholism, this cancer diagnosis has changed my life forever, and I am grateful.

Yesterday when I went to radiation, I got to spend a few minutes with my wonderful new friend. Going through radiation with her just makes it all seem okay. I really struggled with the idea of inviting her to read my blog. We just seemed so different on the outside, and I was scared that she would judge me and then not feel comfortable around me.

Well, that just goes to show how much I know. She has been incredible, encouraging me and suggesting that I turn this blog into a play. I look forward to seeing her each day and I feel like I have gained a forever friend. Yesterday I gave her a Warrior t-shirt, and today she gave me Joan Didion’s book, The Year of Magical Thinking, because she thinks my blog has the same feel to it.

As I was leaving radiation yesterday, I felt like Snow White. She is the one with all the butterflies and birds following her around, right?  Anyway, I walked out the door and there was a Luna moth fluttering in the shrubs. I stood and watched it for a few minutes and felt so connected to this earth. Lately I have been walking in a small park adjacent to Athens Regional. I was so blessed to watch a dragonfly flutter by on my way to the park. Then I watched the chipmunks and squirrels living their lives right in front of my eyes. I saw a squirrel run up a tall pine tree and watched as tiny pieces of pine bark floated to the ground. Right there, in that moment, I felt truly alive. I did not want to be anywhere else or be anyone else.

Today I again made my way to the park after radiation. I saw my dragonfly and also a few squirrels and chipmunks. But what stopped me in my tracks today was a huge oak tree. I just stood there and looked at it. Beautiful!!! It was there living its life too, and has been for who knows how long. Whenever I see a beautiful old tree, I think of the things it must have experienced in its lifetime. It’s impossible to imagine living 200 years or more. Just think of how many hands have touched it, and how many children have climbed its branches. I wonder how many romantic kisses it has witnessed or how many tears have fallen under its canopy. I felt blessed just to be in its presence.

So that has been my incredible journey over the last two days. After reading this you will definitely think I am due for a mental health check-up; you’ll be happy to know I had that yesterday too.

I hope you will be patient with me as I open myself up to my new world. As I look out my window, my eyes still see the same old world but my heart is exploding with possibilities. This has been the year life kicked me in the shins with pointy-toed cowboy boots, but guess what? All of you have carried me through and helped me to the other side. I wish I could convey to you how much that means to me, and how much all of you have helped me–to begin becoming the real me, and to start seeing the world through a new perspective.

Get ready, world. Here I come!