Okay – so I guess I am in one of those places again. I feel like my arms and legs are stretched across the opening of a deep dark hole, and I am trying so hard not to fall in. I really never know where this comes from; I just turn around and there it is. As I have said many times before, this is my life: dealing with this balance between joy and depression.

When I have a clear head and my heart is full, I can look at my life and know there is no reason in the world why I should be depressed. I know I did not have the best experiences as a child, but I can look at them now through adult eyes and understand. At times, things come up in my life and I revert back to that scared little girl, ready to run but too afraid to run. But now it is time to try and accept the whole person that I am.

I often wonder how other people feel and how they experience life. I have spent my whole life in this body and I only know life through my own experiences. I do not know if other people have the same issues and questions. But even though we all live through different experiences, I wonder if at that deep place inside of us we all have the same questions, the same deep inner thoughts. Or am I just a freak?

I am always interested in finding out about other people. How they grew up, what that was like for them, and how it affected who they are today. Both from being in a recovery program and through work, I have met people from all walks of life and from many different countries and cultures. And I love to ask questions. I often tell people, “If you don’t feel comfortable with all the questions, just let me know.”  Someone once told me I’m just nosy, but I don’t think that’s it. I just have a desire to really get to know people on a deeper level. I am not a person to talk about the weather – I want to know you.

Again, I will say that life is short. Why waste it walking through life isolated from other people? We all live and we all die – those are things we do have in common. And refusing to get to know someone because of their color, religion, culture, gender, or sexual orientation is really shortchanging ourselves. There are loads of beautiful, wonderful, kind, caring people out there. It is so true that you can’t judge a book by its cover; you have to be willing to go that extra step to open that cover and maybe turn the first few pages.

I don’t really know what I have just written, but I know that I am feeling better. So remember that the people you run into today may just need a smile and a “How you doing?” I will try to remember this and not get so caught up in myself and my own little world that I cannot take time to look into a stranger’s eyes and say hello. At least I can do that today. I may not solve the world’s problems, but I can at least be where my body is at each moment of the day, and be a part of my own life.