It is early Wednesday morning and I cannot sleep. This is the way it has been for several days now: My body is so tired but my mind just cannot rest. I am not sure why. On the inside, I feel so empty and alone. I have tried and tried to think of something to write – something that will make you smile or laugh. But I have nothing.

I don’t feel much like a cube anymore – really just don’t feel like much of anything. This battle is getting old and my spirit is tired. I try not to complain because I am so sure that everyone is tired of hearing it. It still shocks me, though, to be so tired from doing simple little things. Just walking outside and feeding the goats is now a chore for me. I am tired before I can even get the gate closed and walk back up the stairs to the house. I know the fatigue will not last forever but for the moment it is unsettling.

I try to think of some wisdom to learn from all of this, something to take with me after this chemo battle is over. Right now, though, I really am not able to even pull from that wise old soul of mine. I feel a little locked off from myself. I usually spend a lot of time thinking in depth about life, love, and nature. I also spend lots of time marveling at the beauty that surrounds me – the wonder of this world and all the living things that surround me. But even that seems distant to me now.

I am just so focused on getting through the last chemo next Tuesday, and the recovery from it, that I seem to be in another world. It’s almost like I have blinders on and am just able to focus on that one point. I realized that today when I was driving into town, and I saw several birds in a ditch. They were all bathing in the puddles that have collected from all the rain. It looked like they were have a ball and it made me smile. Wow–just being there in that very moment, just watching those birds, made me realize that I have been sleepwalking through these last few weeks. I know that I am doing what I can at this time but it makes me sad, because just concentrating on surviving is not living for me.

I have thought a lot about this time of my life. I have heard others with cancer question why. Why me?  Well, I have not felt that way. Maybe it is my 12-step program background that helps. You have no idea how many time over the years I have heard someone say, “Why me?” And then someone with years of recovery will say, “Why not you?”

I get that. I just think things happen. Bad things happen to good people; it is just part of living. Life is hard and sometimes life isn’t fair. But I am grateful to be here and to have the life I have.

So just because I have not asked, “Why me?” does not mean I am not angry, because I am. My life has changed, and not in any way I had planned. I am angry because of the disruption in my life, I am angry because it feels like my life is on hold while I fight this battle, and I am angry because my body and mind do not feel like they belong to me anymore.

Do you remember that part in the movie Steel Magnolias when Sally Field loses it after her daughter’s funeral?  That is how I feel. I want to hit someone. I know that I am very blessed because just like in the movie, I am surround by wonderful, supportive friends and family. But I really do wish I could hit someone – I think it would make me feel better. Any volunteers????

Love you all!