As you know from yesterday’s post, this round of chemo has taken its toll. I have not felt as good today as I was hoping to – the fatigue is still here and the nausea finally caught up with me. I was able to eat some cheese toast a few minutes ago and I think I might be starting to feel better.
When I am in these physical downspins, my mind is at its best (I really should say “worst,” because it can truly be my worst enemy). One time, I had a very special person say to me, “Melissa, your mind is like a bad neighborhood – you should never go in there alone.” So that is what I mean – my mind basically has a mind of its own. It can really brew some things up if I am not available to at least rein it in every now and then.
I know some of you get concerned when my writings begin to turn a little darker. I understand your concern but I have to allow these issues to come out. If I just stuff things away and never mention them, they are still there. But it is extremely important for me to open these things up – expose them to the light and then watch them lose their power. So with all that said, let me tell you what I have been feeling like today.
Nothing. That’s it – nothing. I don’t feel alive but I know I am. I am breathing, seeing, sensing, and talking with friends. My house has been full of wonderful and supportive people today – Lorene, Sylvia, and Cheryl. Kim, Steve, and Chris came over to update the goat shed. I got to spend some time talking to my friend Janet today and hearing her voice is good medicine also. It has been an amazing day and I am grateful for all the love and support, but inside I feel nothing. I so look forward to at least feeling something.
When I was falling asleep earlier today, I thought of my body as a cube. If you took my head, shoulders and body to about my waist that is what it feels like: a cube. A cube where you can snap off the legs and put the cube wherever you like. Just sit it there – no feeling – no emotion – just there. The world spins around it and life goes on, but the cube just sits there.
And that is really how my life feels right now. Just waiting to get through with all of these damn treatments. I think about doing something or going somewhere and then I remember – no, wait – finish chemo, then radiation. This is not at all how I thought this year of my life would be – but it is what it is. I will do what must be done. I will wait. I will put this all behind me, then take a big, deep breath of the cool fall air.
Dance of a Warrior 
I hear California is beautiful in the fall Tahoe, Santa Cruz, San Francisco, Yosemite. Just saying then there is the California International Marathon in December, The Cabin is year round. Am I making the carrot big enough yet!!!
Yes. Sounds like a trip is needed soon. Love all of you.
A cube is a pretty good shape for riding on a conveyer belt. The whole treatment regimen felt like such a passive process and I was just being carried along from station to station. I never felt much like a warrior in the treatment process. Mostly i felt like the cube carried along except of course do cubes have stomachs that feel nauseous and joints that ache? Although not particularly fun or useful going to the dark side often seems to me like a perfectly reasonable response to life because well life’s a bitch and then you die. I can’t figure out why I tend to be generally cheerful and positive. Mostly I guess because its more fun that way and my basic biochemistry tends to predispose me to being cheerful. For my part if your writings didn’t turn darker they probably wouldn’t be worth reading. The idea that we need to be forever positive and upbeat seems like a delusion of our society. Its not easy to be a curmudgeon in a post-positivist world.
So true. The cube is perfect for sitting on the conveyor belt. I love your sunny personality – it makes you who you are. Thanks for the shoulder to lean on.
The cube is in the resting position. For now, just be and heal….This too shall pass….Be dark, Be light, be whatever you feel, just get through it and LIVE!
Thanks. The cube is resting.