Maybe you think my last post was full of darkness and depression – but really it was not. I have learned to live my life in the balance between the two worlds of depression and joy. I have spent my whole life dealing with these issues. I am comfortable with the two. I have learned that my depressions offer me a true blessing. I would never have learned the spiritual lessons that I have learned without the darkness. That is a time of true faith – just believing that as long as I continue walking I will come out on the other side. Those times are hard times but they also amplify the joy and happiness once I reach the other side.
I mentioned the word faith. Faith – what is it? I know the definition and I am sure you do too. But faith to me is just putting one foot in front of the other. I have no idea what will happen along this journey, but I do know that if I just keep walking the path, the way will open. Faith is the reason I can put my armor on every 21 days and face the chemo and the sickness. Just do what is in front of me and keep walking.
Faith also brings up the subject of God and religion. I always say I am not religious but I am spiritual. Religion is a strange thing to me. So many people do things in the name of religion or God that I just do not understand. The God or Spirit I believe in is loving, kind, accepting, understanding, and gentle.
I have two sisters, one older, one younger. I am right in the middle, with about 6 ½ to 7 years separating me from both of my sisters. We all grew up with the same parents, same house, same environment, and same religion. My older sister has been very caring and supportive during my battle with cancer. My younger sister has yet to call me or send me a card. Her family is deeply religious and since I am gay they do not have anything to do with me. It has been very hurtful, but if the situation were reversed, I would be there for her. So I cannot believe in a God or a religion like that. I choose to believe, but in what I am not sure. I do not have to have all the answers; I just need to have faith and believe.
As I was sitting on the front porch tonight, all these thoughts were flooding my brain. I wondered what I would miss the most if I died. And at that very moment, I was listening to the frogs and cicadas, watching the lightning bugs, feeling the wind on my face, looking at the goats and dogs, feeling at peace with myself and with nature – and I knew that is what I would miss. My own little piece of heaven. That, to me, is God. I read a quote by Frank Lloyd Wright that pretty much sums it up for me: “I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.”
I am beginning to renew my mind and spirit and polish my armor, for I have a battle starting next Tuesday. The mind, body, and spirit must all be well rested and ready to walk in faith.
Dance of a Warrior 
I too believe in a kind, generous, loving God that I call spiritual, not organized religion. I have my own church or cathedral called Mother Earth. I was driving early this morning east and watched the sunrise it was spectacular before I became a BC Survivor I don’t think I saw, appreciated or had gratitude for little things like this. It truly gave me such a clearer, brighter perspective on life, everything around me and everyone in it. Wish I was there to help you polish your armor. I can send you recommendations for products to help your hair grow back eyelashes as well. HAHAHA!
Stay strong Melissa LOVE YOU!!!
Thank you so much for your love and support. I am hoping to make a trip to California once all of this is behind me.
Another gift from you today! What a beautifully well written description of the balance between joy and depression. So sad when people use religion to masks their fears and justify their behavior. Unfortunately, more often times than not, there is huge discrepancy between Christianity and religion! Thinking of you today and hope you have a peaceful day! Love and light!
Thank you. Your kind words mean so much to me.
It just disturbs me to no end that–based upon their religious faith–people can so easily turn off their love for a person (and even justify their intolerance for an entire group of people). Hang in there; I hope that you walk out the other end of this with the balance tipped a little more toward joy.
Thanks Michael! You are the best!
Thinking of you today. Happy wet 4th of July.
Peace!
Melissa,
You just are coming into your own strength. This blog is so insightful, so I know it has to be helping you. As I have gone through this life, I have realized that you can’t do much about the family your soul chose to come to earth with. All have lessons to learn while here on earth. But you do chose your friends and those you choose to spend time with. You may have made some bad choices in the past, but they were put in your path for reasons. You tend to want to fix things for others, now is your time to fix/heal yourself. Do not apologize for who you are. You are a beautiful soul and you have a lot to offer friends and lovers. Stand firm in yourself and be true to you and the rest will take care of itself. Since there is no lover to give you strength, you must rely on us, your friends and cheering section. Take strength from us who can afford to give. Love you Girlfriend. I am just a phone call away.
Mary Dee, I will give you a call the next time I’m in Waynesboro. I would love to get together and chat. Thank you for your care, support and love.