I guess you remember that in my last post, I wrote about how important it is for me to experience all the feelings that have come up on this journey. The last post was full of sadness and I talked about the fine line that seems to separate joy and sadness for me. Well, I am happy to report that the last two days have been incredible for me. I am beginning to catch glimpses of my old self–or maybe I should say my new self. I know I’m in the same body but my mind, body, heart, and soul have been changed by this journey. I would never wish this diagnosis on anyone, but now I can see that it truly has been a blessing for me.

So now you may be thinking I’m completely certifiable. How could this pain, sickness, sadness, and depression actually be a blessing in my life? I can tell you: it’s because I am weird like that. It is these times that force me to go outside myself and find out what I’m really made of. There’s a quote that expresses this for me: “You never know how strong you can be until being strong is your only option.” For me, this strength is not something I have found by myself. This experience is showing me that real strength requires being brave enough to say, “I am scared and I cannot do this alone.”

During this journey, I have opened myself up and let you ride this rollercoaster with me. It has been a ride, all right, but one made easier by each of you. I have also had some incredible people open themselves up to me, and that has truly been a blessing for me. I long to know the deep parts of other people’s hearts and souls. And I am so fortunate that this journey has allowed me to get to know people I otherwise would never have had the chance to meet. Just like my alcoholism, this cancer diagnosis has changed my life forever, and I am grateful.

Yesterday when I went to radiation, I got to spend a few minutes with my wonderful new friend. Going through radiation with her just makes it all seem okay. I really struggled with the idea of inviting her to read my blog. We just seemed so different on the outside, and I was scared that she would judge me and then not feel comfortable around me.

Well, that just goes to show how much I know. She has been incredible, encouraging me and suggesting that I turn this blog into a play. I look forward to seeing her each day and I feel like I have gained a forever friend. Yesterday I gave her a Warrior t-shirt, and today she gave me Joan Didion’s book, The Year of Magical Thinking, because she thinks my blog has the same feel to it.

As I was leaving radiation yesterday, I felt like Snow White. She is the one with all the butterflies and birds following her around, right?  Anyway, I walked out the door and there was a Luna moth fluttering in the shrubs. I stood and watched it for a few minutes and felt so connected to this earth. Lately I have been walking in a small park adjacent to Athens Regional. I was so blessed to watch a dragonfly flutter by on my way to the park. Then I watched the chipmunks and squirrels living their lives right in front of my eyes. I saw a squirrel run up a tall pine tree and watched as tiny pieces of pine bark floated to the ground. Right there, in that moment, I felt truly alive. I did not want to be anywhere else or be anyone else.

Today I again made my way to the park after radiation. I saw my dragonfly and also a few squirrels and chipmunks. But what stopped me in my tracks today was a huge oak tree. I just stood there and looked at it. Beautiful!!! It was there living its life too, and has been for who knows how long. Whenever I see a beautiful old tree, I think of the things it must have experienced in its lifetime. It’s impossible to imagine living 200 years or more. Just think of how many hands have touched it, and how many children have climbed its branches. I wonder how many romantic kisses it has witnessed or how many tears have fallen under its canopy. I felt blessed just to be in its presence.

So that has been my incredible journey over the last two days. After reading this you will definitely think I am due for a mental health check-up; you’ll be happy to know I had that yesterday too.

I hope you will be patient with me as I open myself up to my new world. As I look out my window, my eyes still see the same old world but my heart is exploding with possibilities. This has been the year life kicked me in the shins with pointy-toed cowboy boots, but guess what? All of you have carried me through and helped me to the other side. I wish I could convey to you how much that means to me, and how much all of you have helped me–to begin becoming the real me, and to start seeing the world through a new perspective.

Get ready, world. Here I come!

Sadness. That is what I am feeling now. I have been feeling this way for the last few days. Why? I can’t really tell you. I saw this quote on Facebook the other day and it made so much sense to me.

“I Have Restless Soul Syndrome.”

That is just so me. I look around at other people and from the outside they look so content and settled with their lives. Whereas I am always questioning, wondering, seeking . . . Again, why? I don’t know. I think it would be nice to live a life that didn’t involve the soul searching and the constant seeking of answers. But then again, I don’t really think that is the life I want to lead.

I spend my life striving to understand the way I operate in this world. I am not perfect – never claimed to be. I like the person I am (most of the time, anyway), but it is not easy being me. I’ve said this before – I feel things very deeply. I’m not sure if that is a fault or not, because allowing myself to feel deeply lets in a lot of joy but also a lot of sadness.

This journey I began when I got my cancer diagnosis has been filled with many wonderful things. I have met incredible people: doctors, nurses, and fellow warriors. This has been an amazing time in my life, and I have learned so much and gained insight I would never have reached otherwise. I feel blessed to have truly amazing friends and family in my life. This has made the journey so much easier for me.

But this journey has also taken a toll on me, and I think this overwhelming sadness is my way of grieving. I don’t think I’ve really had time to grieve until now. First was the surgery, then trying to live through the chemo – this is really the first chance I’ve had to realize what the hell has been going on these last few months. And I am sad.

I met the most wonderful woman who is going through radiation with me. She started her radiation a few days before I did, so I am able to ask her questions and watch how the treatments are affecting her. I hate going to radiation but I love that she is there every morning with a great big smile. Her smile just makes you feel good.

Today when I got to radiation she was already in the treatment room. I was in the waiting area when I heard her in the hallway. Before she could even see me she said, “Melissa, I am a mess.”  She was in tears and I just hugged her. Her cat had gotten outside and had been killed. I felt so sad for her I could have sat down right there with her and cried. We had already talked about how important animals are in our lives. I could still just cry.

Animals bring so much comfort to us with their kind, sweet spirits; they are little angels who touch our lives for such short periods of time. They are part of the family, and we love them as family. I think they touch us in a way no human can. They love us unconditionally and we are blessed to be able to care for and love them in return. We open our hearts to them. We gain so much from the experience and it hurts like hell when we lose them.

I think most of life’s experiences are like this; we cannot feel joy unless we are willing to suffer through loss and sadness. Some people decide they cannot take the pain that comes with loss, and never walk that road again. But for me, the pain of loss is nothing compared to the joy life has to offer us. It would be wonderful if all we ever felt was joy and happiness, but how would we appreciate or even recognize those emotions if we hadn’t also suffered through pain and sadness?

Like all feelings, this sadness and grieving will pass. The most important thing for me right now is to allow myself to feel all these feelings. I have tried to put a lot of positive energy into this battle. I have battled and I am tired, and with that tiredness comes the realization that my life has changed forever. You know how when you were a child or a teenager, death just didn’t seem to be able to touch you? Then you lost a friend, or maybe a pet, and wow – that was a slap in the face. Well, I have been slapped in the face again.

We all say to each other that life can change in the blink of an eye. I have said it before and known it was true, but now I have truly been confronted by my own mortality. Have you ever really thought about what you would do if you knew you would die soon? It is something I am thinking about: What would be the most important thing for me to do, the thing that would put me at peace? It is hard to know, but right now I think the most important thing for me would be to let the people I love know how much they mean to me. It would be important for me to spend time with my animals and with nature. I am trying to do that now – because I do not know what will happen tomorrow or the next day.

All of you who have supported and encouraged me during this time – thank you. You are the most amazing family and friends that anyone could ever ask for. My battle has been made so much easier because of you and your love. Enjoy each day – hug a friend – smile at a stranger – encourage a child – you never know how much it can mean to someone in need. I read something one time that said, “Always smile at a child, because they need to know that there is goodness in this world.” That is what you all have done for me. This has been the year from hell but you have shown me that there is goodness in the world. Thank you!

It is only 10:30 a.m., but I already feel overwhelmed. I am trying to ease back into working a few hours every day, but my body is rebelling. I am trying to get things pulled together but it seems they just keep unraveling. Or maybe it is me who is finally unraveling.

Today has been a difficult one for me. I have been experiencing hot flashes for a while; they increased during chemo, but since starting the Tamoxifen they have reached a whole new level. My temperature ranges from freezing cold to living in hell. I can go from shivering one minute to having beads of sweat popping out all over my bald head with the rest of my body on fire. This continues throughout the day and night, so getting enough sleep is difficult.

I think the lack of sleep plus the mental and emotional roller coaster are finally catching up with me. This morning during my radiation treatment, I think I felt more alone than I ever have. Being alone in the room – lying there on the table – staring at the ceiling – listening to the buzz of the instrument – I thought I was going to start crying. Not just little tears but big, sobbing, hard-to-catch your breath crying.

Then I thought about the techs who were behind the closed door running the instrument and I pulled myself together. Since I was already at the hospital I did not want to give them any reason to send me on up to the mental health ward. But even later in the day, the sadness has veiled my heart and I feel alone.

I think one reason the radiation is hard for me is because I am alone. Lying there with one breast uncovered while the radiation works its magic, I feel vulnerable and exposed. During chemo, Lorene sat there with me and nurses were in and out of the room. The time was filled with lots of conversations and laughter. The radiation treatment does not take much time at all, but during that time I am alone with just my thoughts. It is hard just staring at the ceiling, and I am still somewhat in disbelief that this (cancer) has happened in my life. Sometimes it is really hard to wrap my head around the whole situation.

I will go back tomorrow and for the next 24 treatments. Maybe I should grab that coat of armor and wrap myself in it. I don’t know; I suppose this time of feeling raw, vulnerable, and exposed might be part of the healing process. I prefer the warrior role – the battling role. But all good warriors need time to heal.

I know I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: I love music. Mainly I love music that has great lyrics. Any kind of music – if the words touch my heart, I can listen to it. It must be so fulfilling to be a songwriter. I have always loved music and as a child it allowed me to slip into my own little world.

My mom and dad had this big stereo and I loved listening to their records. I would put on Marty Robbins and act out all the songs, like “Big Iron,” “El Paso,” and “The Strawberry Roan.” I also loved listening to Connie Frances, but my favorite even as a kid was Hank Williams – not Jr., but his dad. I loved the lyrics and related to them even then. Believe it or not, my favorite song as a kid was, “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry.”  Weird, right? Just goes to show that I have been me for a long, long time.

I remember when I was a kid my mom asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said, “A town and country singer.”  My sister started laughing because I meant country and western singer. My mom was sweet; she didn’t laugh. I have always loved music, but unfortunately I never learned to play an instrument. And now that I’m an adult, I am still drawn to words and music that speak straight to my soul.

As I was leaving radiation today, I started listening to a Neil Young CD. I love so many of his songs but one particular line in the song “Unknown Legend” just blows me away. He sings,

“Somewhere on a desert highway, she rides a Harley-Davidson
Her long blonde hair flyin’ in the wind
She’s been runnin’ half her life, the chrome and steel she rides
Colliding with the very air she breathes, the air she breathes.”

I love that last line. I think it is amazing: “Colliding with the very air she breathes.”  We all listen to music and it speaks to us in different ways. I have always loved that line. When I think about the lyrics, I can see myself where I am today.

I have spent half my life or more running and colliding with the air I breathe. Running from what?  I am not sure, but I think from myself. Many years ago, I was sitting with my “Aunt” Frances and I told her I could not help thinking that what I am—gay—is wrong in God’s eyes. She looked at me and said, “You are one of God’s children. He loves you.”  That made me feel so much better about myself, and after that I never really had questions about God anymore.

I think I have lived a lot of my adult life shielding the people in my life from really knowing me. I often think of an Anne Bancroft line from Torch Song Trilogy: “You cheated me out of your life and then blamed me for not being there.”

To some extent, I think this is what I have done to the people in my life. I have cheated family and friends out of knowing me and out of my life, then somehow blamed them for the distance this created. I was so freaked when a friend from my hometown of Waynesboro, Mary Dee, started taking herding lessons here in Athens. I have always wanted to distance myself from Waynesboro. Once I left, that was it for me – it was history.

But reconnecting with Mary Dee has been a real healing process for me. She has been such a true friend and so supportive during my battle with cancer. And really, so many of my friends from Waynesboro have surprised me with their love and support. Thank you all, and I am so sorry I cut you out of my life without giving you a chance to really know me. I have had the rug pulled out from under me so many times, I guess I believed that is what would always happen if I allowed people to really know me.

So where do I go from here? In the last post, I talked about the joy I get from really knowing people. Yet I have been hiding who I am from others because of my fear of losing people. There is a reason for this fear: I have lost people in my life because of who I am. That has scarred me and led me to put a wall around my heart. I think this is also part of the reason why, in relationships, I try to rescue people; if I save people, they will need me and not push me away. But that is not what relationships are about.

It is hard for me to believe that through this cancer treatment, I found writing. And through this writing, I am finding myself. I guess this writing is my way of knocking down the wall down around my heart and letting all of you really know me. Your response, and your support, have been amazing. Thank you.

Okay – so I guess I am in one of those places again. I feel like my arms and legs are stretched across the opening of a deep dark hole, and I am trying so hard not to fall in. I really never know where this comes from; I just turn around and there it is. As I have said many times before, this is my life: dealing with this balance between joy and depression.

When I have a clear head and my heart is full, I can look at my life and know there is no reason in the world why I should be depressed. I know I did not have the best experiences as a child, but I can look at them now through adult eyes and understand. At times, things come up in my life and I revert back to that scared little girl, ready to run but too afraid to run. But now it is time to try and accept the whole person that I am.

I often wonder how other people feel and how they experience life. I have spent my whole life in this body and I only know life through my own experiences. I do not know if other people have the same issues and questions. But even though we all live through different experiences, I wonder if at that deep place inside of us we all have the same questions, the same deep inner thoughts. Or am I just a freak?

I am always interested in finding out about other people. How they grew up, what that was like for them, and how it affected who they are today. Both from being in a recovery program and through work, I have met people from all walks of life and from many different countries and cultures. And I love to ask questions. I often tell people, “If you don’t feel comfortable with all the questions, just let me know.”  Someone once told me I’m just nosy, but I don’t think that’s it. I just have a desire to really get to know people on a deeper level. I am not a person to talk about the weather – I want to know you.

Again, I will say that life is short. Why waste it walking through life isolated from other people? We all live and we all die – those are things we do have in common. And refusing to get to know someone because of their color, religion, culture, gender, or sexual orientation is really shortchanging ourselves. There are loads of beautiful, wonderful, kind, caring people out there. It is so true that you can’t judge a book by its cover; you have to be willing to go that extra step to open that cover and maybe turn the first few pages.

I don’t really know what I have just written, but I know that I am feeling better. So remember that the people you run into today may just need a smile and a “How you doing?” I will try to remember this and not get so caught up in myself and my own little world that I cannot take time to look into a stranger’s eyes and say hello. At least I can do that today. I may not solve the world’s problems, but I can at least be where my body is at each moment of the day, and be a part of my own life.

So – I have completed six days of radiation and I am still not glowing. And I only have 30 more to go. The radiation itself is not bad at all. After getting to the hospital, it takes about 10 minutes to park, get changed, have the treatment, change again, then head out for the rest of my day.  But I have to tell you the radiation really freaks me out.

The radiation treatment is called “external beam radiation.” It is similar to an x-ray but this type of radiation is much more intense. I think the part that really freaks me out is that you cannot see anything happening during the treatment. The technicians leave the room and shut the door. The room is made of six inches of concrete and lead. They monitor you with video cameras and the technicians can hear you the whole time – but I still find it creepy.

You know, one reason I have always loved biology is because it is something I can see and touch. With the chemo treatments, at least I could see the I.V. and sort of understand what was happening inside my body. Radiation reminds me too much of chemistry. I never did very well in chemistry because I cannot see electrons, protons, and neutrons. I cannot see electrons being shared between elements. It is not like biology – chemistry is just too weird for me. I am supposed to just believe that electrons orbit the nucleus and all that jazz? Well, that is the way I feel about radiation. I can’t see it, so I have no idea what those energized x-rays are doing!

My body has been healing every day. Some days I feel really good but other days the fatigue is still there. I am trying not to rush things, but it is hard for me. It is hard not to have the energy to do things that I usually do for myself. I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. I cannot imagine what this would have been like for me without such love and support.

I am trying to get it together in other ways also. I have been feeling down emotionally for a while. I think that is the reason I haven’t been writing. I’m not sure if everyone feels this way, but I feel that I am not fulfilling my purpose here on earth. I still don’t know what that purpose might be. I truly would like to leave this world a better place. I’m not sure what direction my life is going, but I feel a true longing to find out. I’ve said it many times already in this blog – life is short. To quote one of my favorite lines from a Mary Gauthier song:

“A lifetime ain’t no time at all.”

Isn’t that the truth?  No time at all, so I guess I better start figuring out what I’m supposed to be doing here. I know learning and living, but there has to be more, like serving, helping, and adding to this world, not just taking up space.

If any of you have this whole thing – life – figured out, how about giving this girl a holler and giving me a clue!

Today has been quite the day. I started my radiation and hormone therapy today. I know most of you are probably tired of hearing me whine, but I feel like my body has been through hell and back. And in a way I guess it has been. I feel like I could  sit down and cry. I guess I am just overwhelmed with things I need to do and by trying to get back to work.

To be honest, this still feels like a dream . . . like it is happening to someone else and I am just watching. I still find myself thinking that all of this just cannot be real. You know – this stuff happens to other people, not to me. But deep down I know it is real; more real than pretty much anything else I have gone through.

I am really battling with fatigue right now. I went to work for four hours yesterday and this morning I felt like I had been run over by a train. My legs feel like the day after running a long race. They do not seem to have any strength, and they feel shaky most of the time. I guess I thought the effects of chemo would just magically disappear once the treatments were completed, despite being warned by my cousin Nancy Pat that after the chemo was over it would take a while for my body to recover.

Lorene went with me to my radiation oncology appointment today. The appointment lasted for about 30 minutes. Since it was my first treatment, I again had to be measured and now I have even more blue lines and crosses on my breast. The technicians were great and now the daily appointments should only be about 10 minutes. I also started taking tamoxifen (hormone treatment) today. So I have officially started the next phase of this journey.

Last week, I had an appointment with the social worker at Northeast Georgia Cancer Care. She was very helpful and informative. She told me other cancer survivors have said it takes six months to a year to get back to pre-chemo energy levels and strength. So I know I should not be so hard on myself; I need to give myself some time to get back my mojo.

Okay, Athens girls: If any of you can help me this weekend that would be great. My house and my yard are about to overtake me. I wish I had the energy to get it all together over here but I don’t, so any help would be greatly appreciated.

I love all of you. Thanks for your support and for reading.

Wow! I just hooked up my stereo and put on a CD. Of course, I had to christen the new CD player by listening to my favorite – Emmylou Harris. Now my heart is breaking. She touches me in a way that few artists do. There are others: Willie Nelson, Lucinda Williams, Gillian Welch, Iris Dement, and Patsy Cline, to name just a few. I love the realness of the hurt and sorrow of their songs. Life has a way of dragging us all through sadness and sorrow. That is truly a part of me. I am touched by these songs because I have felt the depth of their sadness and sorrows. I truly find comfort in these songs. Maybe that makes no sense to most of you, but to me it makes perfect sense.

I don’t think I feel things that others don’t feel, but I do allow myself to feel deeply. That is what makes me the person I am. That is why I am so elated to have found this outlet – my writing – which allows me to open up and let these feelings flow. I wish I could write songs and sing them with the feeling of my favorites, but I will settle for putting my words on paper and letting them speak for themselves.

Don’t get me wrong; these wonderful artists also have happy, uplifting songs and lyrics and I feel those things also. I feel those feelings deeply also. It is funny, though, that it is getting through the hard times and surviving that really touches me the most. I guess this year will be one for the books, huh?

Lyrics from Emmylou’s song “The Pearl”:

“Like falling stars from the universe we are hurled

Down through the long loneliness of the world

Until we behold the pain become the pearl”

I guess that is what life is about: surviving and turning the pain and sorrow into your greatest possession. An oyster forms a pearl because of the irritation that results from a foreign substance that gets inside its shell. In trying to protect itself, the oyster surrounds the substance with a material that eventually turns into a pearl. That is what we do with our pain and sorrow. We endure it, we find a way to live through it, and we turn those experiences into a precious gem – a pearl.

After leaving the cancer care center yesterday, I went to Athens Regional Medical Center. I met with my radiation oncologist and started down the next path. I will start radiation next Tuesday. I start my hormone therapy on Tuesday as well.

Yesterday was a very unusual day for me. I was not sure what to expect when I was sent to radiation oncology. Well, now I have lovely blue crosses and lines drawn all over my chest and breast. I also had lots of photos taken of my left breast; I don’t think they will turn up on the Internet, though, so sorry to disappoint. All of these things are done so that each time I have a radiation treatment the technicians will be able to find the correct spot. I will have radiation treatments five days a week for six weeks – I get weekends and all major holidays off. Funny, right?

I also think it is kind of funny that the hormone medication has a label that says “Toxic.” Wow, that really makes me feel good about taking it. Ten years of hormone treatment. It seems like a long time, but you know what? Time really does have a way of flying by.

It scares me sometimes when I walk by a mirror and see my reflection. Who is that person? All I know is that the inside still feels so much younger than the reflection that I see. Crazy, right? Life is just pretty crazy. I am totally in awe about the whole thing. Do you ever just sit and think about it – think about life? All of us on this planet, we live, we die, and life goes on. Time passes. Me being me, I think about it a lot. I have lots of questions: “Why?” questions and “What does it all mean?” questions. And just questions about the wonder of it all

Being a biologist, I see examples of evolution, but that does not mean I don’t also have a belief in something larger than me. We see bacteria that are becoming antibiotic resistant and that, by definition, is evolution. Sometimes when I am sitting and thinking I might question the existence of a higher power, but then when I look at the beauty and the wonder of life, I know there has to be something.

So, as I’ve said before, I don’t have to know everything. I like to ask questions and I like to think about things that truly blow my mind, but I don’t have to have proof of anything. Isn’t that what faith is?

So thanks for hitching a ride along with me on my journey. It means more to me than any of you will ever know.

So I am back at the Cancer Care Center waiting for my doctor’s appointment. I am always shocked at how full the waiting room is – it is a sobering reminder of how many people this disease touches. Young, old, rich, poor, black, white, brown – cancer does not care.

I am relieved to see the husband of one of my fellow warriors. I had been worried about her because we were supposed to finish chemo on the same day but she was not there. They dropped her last chemo and she is starting radiation today. Guess what? Just got to talk to my friend. It is so good to see her. We are bonded just by sharing this journey together. It is so nice and comforting.

I almost get the feeling that the universe is trying to get my attention. Have you ever felt that way? If you remember, this blog started with the title “The Year Life (Wearing Pointy-toed Cowboy Boots) Kicked Me in the Shins.”

Did you ask yourself why such a title? When I was a kid, I had an uncle who loved to tickle me and what he called “wrestle.” Well, I hated it. He would tickle me until I could not breathe. I would beg him to stop, but he would not and none of the adults would help me. So the very last time he started tickling me, I asked him to stop. He did not, so I hauled off and kicked him in the shin as hard as I could. Guess what I was wearing? You guessed it: pointy-toed cowboy boots. I got his attention. It was the last time he tickled me.

So this is where I am at in my life: I think the universe is trying to get my attention. I went to work for a short time yesterday. I had some things that needed to be finished. By the time I left there I was angry, stressed, and overwhelmed . . . in other words, just like I always feel at work. This cannot be good for me. This morning I can tell I have the beginning of a sinus infection and sore throat.

I know I need to work because just like all of you, I have bills to pay. But I must consider my health and what impact this stress is having on me. Maybe it’s time for me to take a look at my life and figure out what the universe is telling me.

I do know what I love, besides animals and nature. I love to teach. I have been an adjunct biology instructor for years. That is where I feel complete and needed. But I only have a master’s degree and I’m not sure that I could make a living teaching.

I have always heard that you should put things out there to the universe and see what happens. So that is what I’m going to do. Nothing rash or foolish – just be open and see what happens. Life is too short to be miserable.

Well, my doc at Cancer Care has sent me right over to radiation for a consult. Got to go – time to take the next steps on this journey.

Thanks again for all your support!