I am writing to share something with all of you. A few months ago my life coach asked me to write a “10-year letter”: a letter I imagine myself writing 10 years into the future, looking back on those years. Martha, I have addressed the letter to you because you are the one who helped start me on this journey many years ago. The letter is below.

I also want to let you all know that I (with the help of my editor Diane) have put my blog all together and made it available it on Amazon as an e-book. You can follow this link to the site for a copy:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00RF4Z94Q

Please share this link with anyone you think might enjoy reading about my experience. A portion of the money from the book will go to cancer research and women’s health care.

Thanks. Love you all.

Melissa

 10-YEAR LETTER

Dear Martha,

I can’t believe how long it’s been since we last got together. So many changes, both good and bad, have happened over these last 10 years; I’m sure it has been the same for you. I thought I would spend just a moment and catch you up with what has happened in my life.

As you remember, I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2013. I survived that year of hell with the support of so many wonderful friends – like you. That year changed my life. I will never be the same again. There is something about looking death and disease in the face that changes you. Spending that whole year battling against a failed relationship, breast cancer, and a number of other issues brought home to me that life is SHORT!!! I spent the entire spring, summer, and fall of 2013 recovering, thinking, and knowing there is more to life than what I had been living.

I discovered a deep passion for writing. And surprisingly enough – I am not half bad. I have blogged about my cancer experience and about the weird ways that I view the word, and I’ve turned both of those blogs into e-books. I am currently working on my coming out story and also the story of my childhood. I find that through my writing I am healing, and I think my openness also helps my readers to self-reflect.

I no longer work at SEPRL. In 2014, I began working with a life coach and started on a plan to tell that place goodbye. You and I always talked about how that job was just a way to make money, but for me having a job with meaning is so important.

I left SEPRL when I turned 60. I got my finances together – bills paid, house paid off – and decided I would teach part time to make ends meet. It was the best decision I could have made. I have so much more time to write, to create, and to enjoy my animals and this beautiful world. I have realized that the things that brought me so much joy as a child – getting to know people, helping people, and loving and connecting with animals – are still the things that are most important to me. I have dogs, cats, goats, sheep, and horses – I even have a really cute cow. I am not a rich woman, but I am a happy woman. My life is full of the things that make me happy and complete.

I also met a wonderful woman. She is the perfect partner who allows me the freedom to explore my creativity and nurture my animals, but also keeps me grounded. In the beginning I had to fight my tendency to give up what is important to me so that I could make everything in the world okay for her. But fortunately, she would not stand for it. We live our lives together and separately; we are committed to each other, trust each other, and encourage each other to become the people we were truly meant to be. This is not always easy – relationships are never easy. But it’s so worth it to have this beautiful woman to share my life with. I feel truly blessed to have worked for this relationship and the love that we share.

We have been so fortunate to have the opportunity to travel and see this great country of ours. We have spent a lot of time traveling the highways in our RV, experiencing new places, new people, and just the pure beauty of the natural world. There is nothing like sharing a sunset or sunrise with the person you love.

Of course there has been sadness also. Losing my parents might be the hardest thing I have ever gone through, which I know you understand completely. Life is funny – how do you keep breathing when you hurt so much? I’ll never be able to understand how we endure so much pain and sadness and still carry on. We are warriors – survivors – I guess. Life is not easy; there is pain, suffering, and sadness, but there is also joy and happiness. Just balancing things out, I guess.

My life has changed over the last several years, but what I have discovered is that I finally made my way back home. Back to the person I was meant to be – and that is all that really matters. I’m no longer trying to be who others want me to be, or at least who I thought they wanted me to be. I’m finally free to be just plain old me. This is a true gift, and I’m so grateful that I opened myself up to receiving it.

I can hardly wait to hear how your life has changed over these 10 years.

Melissa

I am sitting at Cancer Care this morning waiting for a follow-up appointment. I just checked the Dance of a Warrior blog to see what was happening this time last year. I had just completed my first chemo and was starting to feel the tingling in my scalp. I had my head shaved and I was coping with the side effects of chemo.  Sometimes I feel like I have not made any progress. But I have hair now and I have started to run/walk again. Last year after each chemo treatment, I could barely walk, much less run.

It is different being here now, to be on this side of the disease. I am watching others being called back for the first time, surrounded by loved ones and ready to start their battle.

I start talking to the family next to me. Mother, father, and adult daughter – the mom is the one with cancer. I ask who their doctor is and if they have been coming here long. The man says, “Is 10 years long enough?” The mom had breast cancer 10 years ago – double mastectomy followed by chemo. A year later she was diagnosed with leukemia. Now, 10 years later, she has metastatic bone cancer. The mom has been silent for most of the conversation, but now she says, “I thought I would give them all a try.” She also says 10 years is about the endpoint and says that she is thankful for every day she has. I agree with her and smile. But on the inside my mind is racing, my heart pounding. To battle this once was hard enough. To think of battling it over and over seems overwhelming.

So I am reminded again how important it really is to live in the moment: to face what is in front of me and try not to live in the past or fear the future.

I have not written in a very long time. I miss writing, but for some reason I have just not taken the time. I think one reason is that I do not feel like me anymore. The things that were once so important don’t seem to matter anymore. My life is largely the same as before the cancer; I live in the same place, work at the same job, I’m still single, I’m surrounded by my wonderful friends and family and comforted by my animals. But somehow I feel totally different. My mind, heart, body, and soul are in a different place than they were before. It feels like my eyes have been opened to a new world. I like this world. The small things really do not matter. When I say “small things,” I guess in part I am thinking about material things, like jobs and worrying about what others think. The thing that truly matters – the thing I never want to forget – is just love and caring. At the end of my life, I don’t think anyone will care what kind of car I drove, how much I paid for my home, or whether I had designer clothes. I think the thing that people will remember is how I treated them.

I do know that throughout this battle I have been loved, cared for, and comforted by all of you beautiful people. You gave me courage when I had none, strength when I needed it, and support when I could not stand on my own. Your love and caring changed my life. I hope to pay your kindness forward.

Love all of you. Life is easier when you let others in and allow them to help. Thanks!