I know I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: I love music. Mainly I love music that has great lyrics. Any kind of music – if the words touch my heart, I can listen to it. It must be so fulfilling to be a songwriter. I have always loved music and as a child it allowed me to slip into my own little world.

My mom and dad had this big stereo and I loved listening to their records. I would put on Marty Robbins and act out all the songs, like “Big Iron,” “El Paso,” and “The Strawberry Roan.” I also loved listening to Connie Frances, but my favorite even as a kid was Hank Williams – not Jr., but his dad. I loved the lyrics and related to them even then. Believe it or not, my favorite song as a kid was, “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry.”  Weird, right? Just goes to show that I have been me for a long, long time.

I remember when I was a kid my mom asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said, “A town and country singer.”  My sister started laughing because I meant country and western singer. My mom was sweet; she didn’t laugh. I have always loved music, but unfortunately I never learned to play an instrument. And now that I’m an adult, I am still drawn to words and music that speak straight to my soul.

As I was leaving radiation today, I started listening to a Neil Young CD. I love so many of his songs but one particular line in the song “Unknown Legend” just blows me away. He sings,

“Somewhere on a desert highway, she rides a Harley-Davidson
Her long blonde hair flyin’ in the wind
She’s been runnin’ half her life, the chrome and steel she rides
Colliding with the very air she breathes, the air she breathes.”

I love that last line. I think it is amazing: “Colliding with the very air she breathes.”  We all listen to music and it speaks to us in different ways. I have always loved that line. When I think about the lyrics, I can see myself where I am today.

I have spent half my life or more running and colliding with the air I breathe. Running from what?  I am not sure, but I think from myself. Many years ago, I was sitting with my “Aunt” Frances and I told her I could not help thinking that what I am—gay—is wrong in God’s eyes. She looked at me and said, “You are one of God’s children. He loves you.”  That made me feel so much better about myself, and after that I never really had questions about God anymore.

I think I have lived a lot of my adult life shielding the people in my life from really knowing me. I often think of an Anne Bancroft line from Torch Song Trilogy: “You cheated me out of your life and then blamed me for not being there.”

To some extent, I think this is what I have done to the people in my life. I have cheated family and friends out of knowing me and out of my life, then somehow blamed them for the distance this created. I was so freaked when a friend from my hometown of Waynesboro, Mary Dee, started taking herding lessons here in Athens. I have always wanted to distance myself from Waynesboro. Once I left, that was it for me – it was history.

But reconnecting with Mary Dee has been a real healing process for me. She has been such a true friend and so supportive during my battle with cancer. And really, so many of my friends from Waynesboro have surprised me with their love and support. Thank you all, and I am so sorry I cut you out of my life without giving you a chance to really know me. I have had the rug pulled out from under me so many times, I guess I believed that is what would always happen if I allowed people to really know me.

So where do I go from here? In the last post, I talked about the joy I get from really knowing people. Yet I have been hiding who I am from others because of my fear of losing people. There is a reason for this fear: I have lost people in my life because of who I am. That has scarred me and led me to put a wall around my heart. I think this is also part of the reason why, in relationships, I try to rescue people; if I save people, they will need me and not push me away. But that is not what relationships are about.

It is hard for me to believe that through this cancer treatment, I found writing. And through this writing, I am finding myself. I guess this writing is my way of knocking down the wall down around my heart and letting all of you really know me. Your response, and your support, have been amazing. Thank you.

Okay – so I guess I am in one of those places again. I feel like my arms and legs are stretched across the opening of a deep dark hole, and I am trying so hard not to fall in. I really never know where this comes from; I just turn around and there it is. As I have said many times before, this is my life: dealing with this balance between joy and depression.

When I have a clear head and my heart is full, I can look at my life and know there is no reason in the world why I should be depressed. I know I did not have the best experiences as a child, but I can look at them now through adult eyes and understand. At times, things come up in my life and I revert back to that scared little girl, ready to run but too afraid to run. But now it is time to try and accept the whole person that I am.

I often wonder how other people feel and how they experience life. I have spent my whole life in this body and I only know life through my own experiences. I do not know if other people have the same issues and questions. But even though we all live through different experiences, I wonder if at that deep place inside of us we all have the same questions, the same deep inner thoughts. Or am I just a freak?

I am always interested in finding out about other people. How they grew up, what that was like for them, and how it affected who they are today. Both from being in a recovery program and through work, I have met people from all walks of life and from many different countries and cultures. And I love to ask questions. I often tell people, “If you don’t feel comfortable with all the questions, just let me know.”  Someone once told me I’m just nosy, but I don’t think that’s it. I just have a desire to really get to know people on a deeper level. I am not a person to talk about the weather – I want to know you.

Again, I will say that life is short. Why waste it walking through life isolated from other people? We all live and we all die – those are things we do have in common. And refusing to get to know someone because of their color, religion, culture, gender, or sexual orientation is really shortchanging ourselves. There are loads of beautiful, wonderful, kind, caring people out there. It is so true that you can’t judge a book by its cover; you have to be willing to go that extra step to open that cover and maybe turn the first few pages.

I don’t really know what I have just written, but I know that I am feeling better. So remember that the people you run into today may just need a smile and a “How you doing?” I will try to remember this and not get so caught up in myself and my own little world that I cannot take time to look into a stranger’s eyes and say hello. At least I can do that today. I may not solve the world’s problems, but I can at least be where my body is at each moment of the day, and be a part of my own life.

So – I have completed six days of radiation and I am still not glowing. And I only have 30 more to go. The radiation itself is not bad at all. After getting to the hospital, it takes about 10 minutes to park, get changed, have the treatment, change again, then head out for the rest of my day.  But I have to tell you the radiation really freaks me out.

The radiation treatment is called “external beam radiation.” It is similar to an x-ray but this type of radiation is much more intense. I think the part that really freaks me out is that you cannot see anything happening during the treatment. The technicians leave the room and shut the door. The room is made of six inches of concrete and lead. They monitor you with video cameras and the technicians can hear you the whole time – but I still find it creepy.

You know, one reason I have always loved biology is because it is something I can see and touch. With the chemo treatments, at least I could see the I.V. and sort of understand what was happening inside my body. Radiation reminds me too much of chemistry. I never did very well in chemistry because I cannot see electrons, protons, and neutrons. I cannot see electrons being shared between elements. It is not like biology – chemistry is just too weird for me. I am supposed to just believe that electrons orbit the nucleus and all that jazz? Well, that is the way I feel about radiation. I can’t see it, so I have no idea what those energized x-rays are doing!

My body has been healing every day. Some days I feel really good but other days the fatigue is still there. I am trying not to rush things, but it is hard for me. It is hard not to have the energy to do things that I usually do for myself. I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. I cannot imagine what this would have been like for me without such love and support.

I am trying to get it together in other ways also. I have been feeling down emotionally for a while. I think that is the reason I haven’t been writing. I’m not sure if everyone feels this way, but I feel that I am not fulfilling my purpose here on earth. I still don’t know what that purpose might be. I truly would like to leave this world a better place. I’m not sure what direction my life is going, but I feel a true longing to find out. I’ve said it many times already in this blog – life is short. To quote one of my favorite lines from a Mary Gauthier song:

“A lifetime ain’t no time at all.”

Isn’t that the truth?  No time at all, so I guess I better start figuring out what I’m supposed to be doing here. I know learning and living, but there has to be more, like serving, helping, and adding to this world, not just taking up space.

If any of you have this whole thing – life – figured out, how about giving this girl a holler and giving me a clue!

Today has been quite the day. I started my radiation and hormone therapy today. I know most of you are probably tired of hearing me whine, but I feel like my body has been through hell and back. And in a way I guess it has been. I feel like I could  sit down and cry. I guess I am just overwhelmed with things I need to do and by trying to get back to work.

To be honest, this still feels like a dream . . . like it is happening to someone else and I am just watching. I still find myself thinking that all of this just cannot be real. You know – this stuff happens to other people, not to me. But deep down I know it is real; more real than pretty much anything else I have gone through.

I am really battling with fatigue right now. I went to work for four hours yesterday and this morning I felt like I had been run over by a train. My legs feel like the day after running a long race. They do not seem to have any strength, and they feel shaky most of the time. I guess I thought the effects of chemo would just magically disappear once the treatments were completed, despite being warned by my cousin Nancy Pat that after the chemo was over it would take a while for my body to recover.

Lorene went with me to my radiation oncology appointment today. The appointment lasted for about 30 minutes. Since it was my first treatment, I again had to be measured and now I have even more blue lines and crosses on my breast. The technicians were great and now the daily appointments should only be about 10 minutes. I also started taking tamoxifen (hormone treatment) today. So I have officially started the next phase of this journey.

Last week, I had an appointment with the social worker at Northeast Georgia Cancer Care. She was very helpful and informative. She told me other cancer survivors have said it takes six months to a year to get back to pre-chemo energy levels and strength. So I know I should not be so hard on myself; I need to give myself some time to get back my mojo.

Okay, Athens girls: If any of you can help me this weekend that would be great. My house and my yard are about to overtake me. I wish I had the energy to get it all together over here but I don’t, so any help would be greatly appreciated.

I love all of you. Thanks for your support and for reading.

Wow! I just hooked up my stereo and put on a CD. Of course, I had to christen the new CD player by listening to my favorite – Emmylou Harris. Now my heart is breaking. She touches me in a way that few artists do. There are others: Willie Nelson, Lucinda Williams, Gillian Welch, Iris Dement, and Patsy Cline, to name just a few. I love the realness of the hurt and sorrow of their songs. Life has a way of dragging us all through sadness and sorrow. That is truly a part of me. I am touched by these songs because I have felt the depth of their sadness and sorrows. I truly find comfort in these songs. Maybe that makes no sense to most of you, but to me it makes perfect sense.

I don’t think I feel things that others don’t feel, but I do allow myself to feel deeply. That is what makes me the person I am. That is why I am so elated to have found this outlet – my writing – which allows me to open up and let these feelings flow. I wish I could write songs and sing them with the feeling of my favorites, but I will settle for putting my words on paper and letting them speak for themselves.

Don’t get me wrong; these wonderful artists also have happy, uplifting songs and lyrics and I feel those things also. I feel those feelings deeply also. It is funny, though, that it is getting through the hard times and surviving that really touches me the most. I guess this year will be one for the books, huh?

Lyrics from Emmylou’s song “The Pearl”:

“Like falling stars from the universe we are hurled

Down through the long loneliness of the world

Until we behold the pain become the pearl”

I guess that is what life is about: surviving and turning the pain and sorrow into your greatest possession. An oyster forms a pearl because of the irritation that results from a foreign substance that gets inside its shell. In trying to protect itself, the oyster surrounds the substance with a material that eventually turns into a pearl. That is what we do with our pain and sorrow. We endure it, we find a way to live through it, and we turn those experiences into a precious gem – a pearl.

After leaving the cancer care center yesterday, I went to Athens Regional Medical Center. I met with my radiation oncologist and started down the next path. I will start radiation next Tuesday. I start my hormone therapy on Tuesday as well.

Yesterday was a very unusual day for me. I was not sure what to expect when I was sent to radiation oncology. Well, now I have lovely blue crosses and lines drawn all over my chest and breast. I also had lots of photos taken of my left breast; I don’t think they will turn up on the Internet, though, so sorry to disappoint. All of these things are done so that each time I have a radiation treatment the technicians will be able to find the correct spot. I will have radiation treatments five days a week for six weeks – I get weekends and all major holidays off. Funny, right?

I also think it is kind of funny that the hormone medication has a label that says “Toxic.” Wow, that really makes me feel good about taking it. Ten years of hormone treatment. It seems like a long time, but you know what? Time really does have a way of flying by.

It scares me sometimes when I walk by a mirror and see my reflection. Who is that person? All I know is that the inside still feels so much younger than the reflection that I see. Crazy, right? Life is just pretty crazy. I am totally in awe about the whole thing. Do you ever just sit and think about it – think about life? All of us on this planet, we live, we die, and life goes on. Time passes. Me being me, I think about it a lot. I have lots of questions: “Why?” questions and “What does it all mean?” questions. And just questions about the wonder of it all

Being a biologist, I see examples of evolution, but that does not mean I don’t also have a belief in something larger than me. We see bacteria that are becoming antibiotic resistant and that, by definition, is evolution. Sometimes when I am sitting and thinking I might question the existence of a higher power, but then when I look at the beauty and the wonder of life, I know there has to be something.

So, as I’ve said before, I don’t have to know everything. I like to ask questions and I like to think about things that truly blow my mind, but I don’t have to have proof of anything. Isn’t that what faith is?

So thanks for hitching a ride along with me on my journey. It means more to me than any of you will ever know.

So I am back at the Cancer Care Center waiting for my doctor’s appointment. I am always shocked at how full the waiting room is – it is a sobering reminder of how many people this disease touches. Young, old, rich, poor, black, white, brown – cancer does not care.

I am relieved to see the husband of one of my fellow warriors. I had been worried about her because we were supposed to finish chemo on the same day but she was not there. They dropped her last chemo and she is starting radiation today. Guess what? Just got to talk to my friend. It is so good to see her. We are bonded just by sharing this journey together. It is so nice and comforting.

I almost get the feeling that the universe is trying to get my attention. Have you ever felt that way? If you remember, this blog started with the title “The Year Life (Wearing Pointy-toed Cowboy Boots) Kicked Me in the Shins.”

Did you ask yourself why such a title? When I was a kid, I had an uncle who loved to tickle me and what he called “wrestle.” Well, I hated it. He would tickle me until I could not breathe. I would beg him to stop, but he would not and none of the adults would help me. So the very last time he started tickling me, I asked him to stop. He did not, so I hauled off and kicked him in the shin as hard as I could. Guess what I was wearing? You guessed it: pointy-toed cowboy boots. I got his attention. It was the last time he tickled me.

So this is where I am at in my life: I think the universe is trying to get my attention. I went to work for a short time yesterday. I had some things that needed to be finished. By the time I left there I was angry, stressed, and overwhelmed . . . in other words, just like I always feel at work. This cannot be good for me. This morning I can tell I have the beginning of a sinus infection and sore throat.

I know I need to work because just like all of you, I have bills to pay. But I must consider my health and what impact this stress is having on me. Maybe it’s time for me to take a look at my life and figure out what the universe is telling me.

I do know what I love, besides animals and nature. I love to teach. I have been an adjunct biology instructor for years. That is where I feel complete and needed. But I only have a master’s degree and I’m not sure that I could make a living teaching.

I have always heard that you should put things out there to the universe and see what happens. So that is what I’m going to do. Nothing rash or foolish – just be open and see what happens. Life is too short to be miserable.

Well, my doc at Cancer Care has sent me right over to radiation for a consult. Got to go – time to take the next steps on this journey.

Thanks again for all your support!

I really know how to get myself into all kinds of trouble. Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself because I continue to do these crazy things. I love looking at Craigslist. I look at it several times a day. I always check out the Farm and Garden section because I like to look at all the animals advertised. I check out all the horses, goats, sheep, and anything else that seems interesting. I not only check the Athens area, I check Atlanta, Macon, Augusta, and Savannah. You never know when you might find just what you are looking for.

I am really not buying anything – I just like to look. I also like to send my friends (especially Kim and Janet) interesting animals that I find. They love animals just as much as I do, if not more.

Well, I almost got myself in big trouble last night.

I was checking out the Atlanta Craigslist when I found an ad for a $50 housebroken monkey. I sent it to Kim and Janet. I had a smile on my face when I sent it because I thought they would not believe that someone would put a monkey on Craigslist.

I got their responses this morning. Kim was upset about the poor monkey. But Janet sent a message saying she wanted me to go get the poor baby! Well, first – Janet’s daughter Chelsy hates monkeys. She has good reasons for this, because they had a monkey before. So I wasn’t sure if Janet was serious and I asked to make sure. Yes, I needed to rescue the monkey and she would pick it up when she gets back (in about seven days).

Okay . . . What in the hell am I going to do with a monkey for seven days?  I was in a little bit of a panic. I am not sure if the panic was about keeping the monkey for Janet or the thought of facing Chelsy. I dutifully started trying to contact the people about the damn monkey, but my mind was racing.

How will I get the monkey home?  Will my friend Cheryl go by and pick up the monkey for me and bring it to Athens?  Will the monkey freak out when it gets to my house and is greeted by all my dogs?  What do you do with a housebroken monkey?  Does it use the toilet?  Will I have to change diapers?  Where will it sleep?  What does it eat?  Oh my God – What have I done??????

Janet sent another text – “How is my monkey?”

I finally reached the guy with the ad by telephone. “I’m calling about the ad on Craigslist.”  He says, “It was a prank. My brother pulled a prank on me.”  I just start laughing and so does he. He wants to know if the ad is still up on the list – I am not sure because I found it late last night. He is a good sport and I tell him so.

I am a little relieved that I will not have a furry little house guest for the next seven days, and even more relieved that I will not have to face Chelsy. But now I have to let Janet know. She thought it might be a joke but that it was best to check it out.

These are my friends and I love them. Hearts as big as can be. I would have done it, too. I would have taken care of the monkey and given it to Janet, even though Chelsy would have cursed me.

You see life can always be interesting and adventuresome. I can just close my eyes and see it now: Me and the monkey hanging out, sitting on the couch together, checking out Craigslist to see what other interesting creatures we can talk Janet into getting!

I love my life and would not trade it for anyone else’s. I really mean that – even with the cancer diagnosis, chemo, radiation, and all the rest. Because my life is full of these wonderful people, people who have loved and supported me not just in the easy times, but through the hardest of times. You are the best – you make my life complete.

Thanks to all of you who are reading this blog and especially to you crazy animal-loving freaks like me. Love you!

I don’t really know what to do with my feelings anymore unless I put them down on paper . . . which really means type them on my laptop, but somehow that doesn’t sound as good. I am a little over a week out from my last chemo. My body is still tired and my stomach is not right, but overall I am feeling pretty good physically. But mentally and emotionally? Not so good.

I am ANGRY. This anger does not really have anything to do with my cancer diagnosis; I am not angry about having cancer. But nevertheless, I am ANGRY.  Since being diagnosed my life has completely changed. As I start to become a new me – the “me” I was always meant to be – this anger has come to the surface. For me this journey is about more than just battling and surviving cancer. It is about living. It is about dealing with issues that have kept me from being whole. It is about my journey – my adventure of finding me.

I am grateful to all of you who have been so supportive of me dealing with my breast cancer. I hope that you will continue to follow the blog because I am still battling – I still have radiation and hormone therapy to go. I realize that some of the subjects I am dealing with now may not seem to have anything to do with breast cancer, but the cancer is what started me on this journey.

Why I am so angry? I have spent my whole life taking care of other people – rescuing, protecting, supporting – because that is the role I filled in my family. I am good at it, too. But along the way I lost myself, until finally there was no me. After all these years in that role, all I know how to do is take care of others. But you know what?? I am worth taking care of, too. I am tired of trying to please everyone and trying to make everything okay for everyone else.

It is time for me to figure out what I want and to start taking care of myself.

How did I learn to be a rescuer and a protector? Before I get into all of that, first I must tell you that I love my family. As an adult, I look back and understand; I forgive and I accept that we are all human. We are all broken and we all struggle. Parents are not given an instruction manual and they, like the rest of us, make mistakes. But my experiences as a child have shaped my life, and I have continued long into adulthood to play my childhood role. The merry-go-round keeps spinning, but now, finally, it is time for me to jump off. I am 52 years old. Don’t you think it’s time?

I think it was easier for me to be a rescuer and protector because that meant I could focus on someone else. I would try to take care of my older sister emotionally and my younger sister both physically and emotionally. And it seemed to me that I even became my mother’s emotional support. As long as I could focus on them it did not seem like my little world was so crazy. It was easier just to be a caretaker, a lesson I guess I learned from my dad.

As a child, I learned that being outside in nature with my animals was the way I could find peace. No craziness could reach me out there. So I spent hours sitting in the feed trough behind the barn playing with the goats, horses, and cows. In my fantasy world, everything was bright and good. I talked to my animals and they comforted me. I think that is why I am still so drawn to nature.

As I write this, I am sitting in the swing on my front porch. I can see a green heron hunting on the other side of the pond. As I watch him move quietly through the grasses, I hear frogs hitting the water to avoid becoming dinner. I catch a glimpse of a hummingbird as it darts by on the way to the trumpet vine on the old pine snag near the front porch.

This is when I know that nature is still taking care of me; bringing me out of myself and forcing me to see the beauty that is right at my front door. I feel the anger lifting. I feel that there is good in the world. I know that I will find my way on this journey. As I have said before, life is not easy. It gives us all challenges to work through.

Okay, so I guess I am coming back to life. I have spent most of my time since the last chemo sleeping. I wake up, eat, then go back to sleep. It is almost like living in a dream world, except when you are awake you do not feel very good. The stomach is a little off and the head feels hazy. Everything inside of me feels like it is suspended in Jell-O. It feels almost like walking around in someone else’s body. I know the feelings and thoughts are mine but the physical appendages do not seem like they belong to me.

It is kind of a weird thing to have this part of the journey behind me. The last chemo – I have faced that demon for the last time. The body is just amazing. All the poisons, all the chemicals, and still it keeps bouncing back. A little slower each time, but it keeps bouncing back. It is my mind that I have to struggle with constantly. The physical body seems to repair itself and get ready for another day. It is the mental, emotional, and spiritual components I have the hardest time with.

One reason it is strange to have finished chemo is that now I am not in a battle. I am waiting. That probably sounds funny to most of you: What is she talking about . . . waiting?  During chemo, at least you feel like you are doing something active to defeat this beast. But now I wait, hoping and praying that the chemo did what it was suppose to do – rid the body of any stray cancer cells that might be lurking about, hidden from sight.

Some of you may think all I do is sit around looking for trouble. That isn’t true, but my mind is always thinking – studying – wandering – and yes, worrying. I feel as though I have this little “c” riding around on my shoulder. It is always there, not really bothersome, but still just there. It is sitting there smoking a cig, drinking coffee, reading the paper – but still it is there.

I am not cancer, but just like my sexuality and my alcoholism, it is part of who and what I am. Can’t you just imagine the two of them, little “c” and alcoholism, sitting on my shoulder, having a good old time whispering in my ear? I envision them high-fiving and chest bumping every time my mind starts off on one of those crazy thoughts.

For me, this has to be about living one day at a time. Looking too far into the future can be a scary thing. As I’ve said before, I cannot imagine hearing the words, “Your cancer has returned.” I cannot imagine what it would feel like to have to battle through this chemo again, to face this sickness. So it is important that I just stay right here where my body is today. I can do something about today. I can rest and repair my body. As I look at my armor, it really is in good repair. It came through all these battles in remarkable shape. It has done its job.

One of my nephews said to me, “Sissy, you have been a warrior all your life, not just now.” And I realized that he knows me better than many other people do. It is true: I have always been a warrior. Always fighting for my life, one way or the other. Fighting to be accepted for who I am; to not take the easy road; fighting, suffering, hurting. But always trying to be true to who I really am, deep in my core – to be true to what I believe in and to the things that matter to me. Not going along with the crowd, not just fitting in, because sometimes that is not who I am.

I am not perfect by any means. Maybe some of the things I have fought for were really not worth fighting for, but at that moment in time, they seemed worth the fight. I have fought for the right to live my life in a way that feels honest, kind, and caring to me. I think that is all I have ever really wanted – to be a good, kind, caring, loving being. Life is life and we all must accept and deal with whatever life sends our way. That is what I am trying to do with my writings. Find my way.

Thank you for reading my posts, and for your love and support.