I am sitting at Cancer Care this morning waiting for a follow-up appointment. I just checked the Dance of a Warrior blog to see what was happening this time last year. I had just completed my first chemo and was starting to feel the tingling in my scalp. I had my head shaved and I was coping with the side effects of chemo.  Sometimes I feel like I have not made any progress. But I have hair now and I have started to run/walk again. Last year after each chemo treatment, I could barely walk, much less run.

It is different being here now, to be on this side of the disease. I am watching others being called back for the first time, surrounded by loved ones and ready to start their battle.

I start talking to the family next to me. Mother, father, and adult daughter – the mom is the one with cancer. I ask who their doctor is and if they have been coming here long. The man says, “Is 10 years long enough?” The mom had breast cancer 10 years ago – double mastectomy followed by chemo. A year later she was diagnosed with leukemia. Now, 10 years later, she has metastatic bone cancer. The mom has been silent for most of the conversation, but now she says, “I thought I would give them all a try.” She also says 10 years is about the endpoint and says that she is thankful for every day she has. I agree with her and smile. But on the inside my mind is racing, my heart pounding. To battle this once was hard enough. To think of battling it over and over seems overwhelming.

So I am reminded again how important it really is to live in the moment: to face what is in front of me and try not to live in the past or fear the future.

I have not written in a very long time. I miss writing, but for some reason I have just not taken the time. I think one reason is that I do not feel like me anymore. The things that were once so important don’t seem to matter anymore. My life is largely the same as before the cancer; I live in the same place, work at the same job, I’m still single, I’m surrounded by my wonderful friends and family and comforted by my animals. But somehow I feel totally different. My mind, heart, body, and soul are in a different place than they were before. It feels like my eyes have been opened to a new world. I like this world. The small things really do not matter. When I say “small things,” I guess in part I am thinking about material things, like jobs and worrying about what others think. The thing that truly matters – the thing I never want to forget – is just love and caring. At the end of my life, I don’t think anyone will care what kind of car I drove, how much I paid for my home, or whether I had designer clothes. I think the thing that people will remember is how I treated them.

I do know that throughout this battle I have been loved, cared for, and comforted by all of you beautiful people. You gave me courage when I had none, strength when I needed it, and support when I could not stand on my own. Your love and caring changed my life. I hope to pay your kindness forward.

Love all of you. Life is easier when you let others in and allow them to help. Thanks!