Today I am back at radiation oncology for my follow-up with Dr. Terry. While I am waiting I take out my phone and start writing. I feel like my friends and some of you who read the blog may think, Okay, she’s done with treatment–she should be back to normal. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I spend most of my time just trying to get through each day. By the end of the week, I am completely exhausted and my body just needs rest. I have been dealing with this sort of tiredness and exhaustion for several months. I am trying to be patient with myself, but it is hard.

The physical exhaustion is not new; it is the mental and emotional problems that are becoming difficult for me. I thought “chemo brain” would go away once I stopped the treatment, but it seems worse now than ever. It is very scary for me. Sometimes I feel that I might be going insane.

At work, I will head down the hall to speak with someone and before I get to my destination I forget who I was going to see. I stand in the hallway trying to remember, but it doesn’t come back. I do this several times every day. Maybe this is caused my complete exhaustion or by the side effects of the meds I am taking. I’m not sure, but I don’t like it at all.

My brain feels fuzzy most of the time and my emotions are totally out of control. I reached out to my friend from radiation, Beth, because I needed some support. I sent her emails and we talked on the phone. I told her that I thought I was losing my mind. She assured me that I wasn’t, because if that was true, we both were. It was comforting to hear that she was feeling some of the same things.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to explain how special it is to have her to talk to and compare our journeys. I feel so blessed to have her in my life and so thankful for our beautiful friendship.

After seeing Dr. Terry and getting the thumbs up, I decided to take a walk in the park. It was a wonderful sunny day but a bit on the chilly side. The leaves were changing into those beautiful orange, gold, and yellow colors. I took some photos and before leaving the park, I headed over to that huge oak tree. I just wanted to put my hands on it one more time. I whispered to it that I would be back to visit, and thanked it and the park for taking such good care of me.

I needed to stop at WalMart on the way home, and once again I was overwhelmed to discover, just by being present in the moment, what amazing experiences I can have. I was in the grocery section at the end of an aisle. As I turned the corner, I looked up and saw an older couple facing me. I mainly noticed the gentleman and I said hello and asked how they were doing. He said, “Blessed.” I responded by saying I thought that was wonderful.

I met them again on the next aisle and that’s when I noticed the woman. Her hair was just a little longer than mine and our eyes met. I began, “I don’t mean to be rude, but did you . . . ?” Before I even finished my sentence she said yes, and I pointed to my head and said, “Me too.”

I stopped and we talked for several minutes. We exchanged stories and talked about our lives since treatment. She has had lots of memory problems as well as some physical side effects. These two people did not stop smiling the whole time we were talking. Before I walked away, I hugged both of them. It was an awesome experience and I was so glad I took the time to share it with them.

My life continues to amaze me. This year has been like no other. The relationship issues that happened in the first part of this year seem so insignificant now. One person treated me horribly, but throughout this year I have seen over and over again the innate goodness of people. I am so glad I did not let that experience harden me – if I had, I would have missed so much kindness this year.