Today has been a day full of ups and downs. I have only five more radiation treatments and tomorrow will be my radiation friend’s last day. We decided to have coffee today and just sit and talk. This is the second time we have gotten together and it really made my day. But I cannot lie, I feel a deep sadness – she has walked me through this part of my journey and I will feel lost without her. I am happy that she will be finished and moving on to the next phase of treatment.

I wish I could describe what it feels like to be able to share with her. We laugh a lot because we have realized that we have some of the same thoughts during our treatment. I thought I was the only one who counted the seconds during each treatment. If I counted too fast and the treatment went for 18 seconds instead of the usual 14, I would be in a panic. What do you do – roll off the table if the thing doesn’t stop? It was just funny to know that she had the same thoughts and feelings I was having.

I guess from the outside we look very different. She is very petite and beautiful and I am anything but petite. She did not go through chemo so she still has her hair and I am bald (more of a fuzzy bald now). She has been married for 33 years and has an adult daughter. I am gay, have no children, and have not been able to make a relationship last anywhere close to that long. But somehow in this crazy world we have come together to carry each other through this storm.

She began saying to me, “For all our differences . . .” My mind stopped at those words and I looked at her and said, “I don’t see any differences.” To which she replied, “ . . . we have the same heart.” And she is right. We have the same heart. It is not very often in life that you meet someone who has the same heart. It has been such a joyous experience to share life stories with her – an experience of total acceptance and love. I have made a lifelong friend. And I would have missed this beautiful friendship had it not been for my cancer. Again, I am choosing to look at this whole experience as a blessing instead of a dreadful disease.

My life is a thousand times richer since this journey began. I have changed and my world has changed. While I am writing this I am listening to Iris DeMent and I want to share these lines from her song, “The Kingdom Has Already Come”:

I stopped in the church to pray,

It was the middle of the day

And I don’t even know if I believe in God

But I laid my soul on the table

and left that place believing I was able

to pull back the curtain old fears had drawn

This is what has happened for me: The curtain has been pulled back and all those old fears have been exposed. And now – NOW – it is time to live. Facing each day head on, looking it in the eyes, surviving. You know, suddenly that word does not mean the same thing to me anymore. Hell no, I don’t just want to survive. I want to conquer and live – live a life that is beyond my every dream. And now I can, thanks to all of your love and support.

Now, for my radiation friend. Beth, thank you for carrying me and supporting me through this time. It will be difficult not seeing you on a daily basis, but you will be in my thoughts. I want you to know that you are a WARRIOR and you will be fine. Love you.