This morning before radiation, I was checking Facebook and found this quote by Ernest Hemingway:

“Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”

This is how I want to live my life – to be present in every moment. It is hard to do, though. I get busy with life and work and forget to savor each moment. Because once a moment passes you will never get it back. It is gone forever, lost if you are not aware enough to live it.

I have talked quite a bit about my walk in the park after radiation. It was really amazing today; I felt my whole mood and body change as soon as I put my foot on the walking path in the park. It was like my body and mind were finally able to exhale. I love having the park; it is one of the only places where I can live in the moment.

Last Thursday was the first time I noticed it; my eyes, heart, and soul just soaked up all the beautiful colors, sounds, and smells. I wanted to stay in the park forever. It was on this day that I realized how important it is to be where my body is. For the first time, I understood that nothing stays the same. I will walk in this park on other days, but each day will be a new experience. I will never experience the same moments twice: the sunlight striking the leaves will be different, the squirrel will not run across my path with an acorn in his mouth, the sun will not warm my face in the same way, the spider web will not catch the sunlight in the exact same way. I will never have those moments back, but that is okay because I was truly alive and I lived in that moment.

Today I had a different experience when I was walking in the park. I was surrounded by the same beauty, but my solitude was suddenly interrupted by two ambulances with sirens blaring. All of a sudden, I felt such deep sadness. My moment of peacefulness and joy might be someone’s moment of heartache and pain. As I really thought about this, I realized that although time is the same for all of us, we experience each second of the day differently. It is hard for me to think about: the ups and downs we each must go through in life.

People amaze me. It is hard for me to understand how some people keep going after tragedy strikes their life. How do they get through – what makes them keep going – how do the tears ever stop? I never know what someone is going through as I pass them on the street or at the market. Maybe their day has been wonderful and they are filled with joy. But maybe their day, week, month, year, or entire life has not been wonderful. They might be struggling through sickness, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, or barely bringing home enough money to survive. I will never know, and judging someone’s insides by what I see on the outside isn’t accurate or fair. From this perspective, I guess my journey should be about treating everyone equally, with loving kindness. It really does not take a whole lot of my time or energy to smile and say hello to the people I meet. I am not sure it makes a difference to them, but it definitely makes a difference to me.

I wrote most of this entry earlier this week. I have had so many experiences I want to share with you, but when I get home from work it is all I can do to take care of the animals and feed myself. I have not been able to focus on writing and that has been hard for me. I only have nine more radiation treatments. I really can see the end now, and it feels good. Radiation has not been the breeze I was hoping for, though; my left breast and underarm look horrible. I have bruising and redness and I am having some difficulty moving my left arm.

I was thinking this morning that I really need to throw on the armor to get through these last treatments, but my body is so weary that I don’t think I can support the armor. So please help me once again; help me finish these last few steps of this treatment journey.

I love you all.