Sadness. That is what I am feeling now. I have been feeling this way for the last few days. Why? I can’t really tell you. I saw this quote on Facebook the other day and it made so much sense to me.

“I Have Restless Soul Syndrome.”

That is just so me. I look around at other people and from the outside they look so content and settled with their lives. Whereas I am always questioning, wondering, seeking . . . Again, why? I don’t know. I think it would be nice to live a life that didn’t involve the soul searching and the constant seeking of answers. But then again, I don’t really think that is the life I want to lead.

I spend my life striving to understand the way I operate in this world. I am not perfect – never claimed to be. I like the person I am (most of the time, anyway), but it is not easy being me. I’ve said this before – I feel things very deeply. I’m not sure if that is a fault or not, because allowing myself to feel deeply lets in a lot of joy but also a lot of sadness.

This journey I began when I got my cancer diagnosis has been filled with many wonderful things. I have met incredible people: doctors, nurses, and fellow warriors. This has been an amazing time in my life, and I have learned so much and gained insight I would never have reached otherwise. I feel blessed to have truly amazing friends and family in my life. This has made the journey so much easier for me.

But this journey has also taken a toll on me, and I think this overwhelming sadness is my way of grieving. I don’t think I’ve really had time to grieve until now. First was the surgery, then trying to live through the chemo – this is really the first chance I’ve had to realize what the hell has been going on these last few months. And I am sad.

I met the most wonderful woman who is going through radiation with me. She started her radiation a few days before I did, so I am able to ask her questions and watch how the treatments are affecting her. I hate going to radiation but I love that she is there every morning with a great big smile. Her smile just makes you feel good.

Today when I got to radiation she was already in the treatment room. I was in the waiting area when I heard her in the hallway. Before she could even see me she said, “Melissa, I am a mess.”  She was in tears and I just hugged her. Her cat had gotten outside and had been killed. I felt so sad for her I could have sat down right there with her and cried. We had already talked about how important animals are in our lives. I could still just cry.

Animals bring so much comfort to us with their kind, sweet spirits; they are little angels who touch our lives for such short periods of time. They are part of the family, and we love them as family. I think they touch us in a way no human can. They love us unconditionally and we are blessed to be able to care for and love them in return. We open our hearts to them. We gain so much from the experience and it hurts like hell when we lose them.

I think most of life’s experiences are like this; we cannot feel joy unless we are willing to suffer through loss and sadness. Some people decide they cannot take the pain that comes with loss, and never walk that road again. But for me, the pain of loss is nothing compared to the joy life has to offer us. It would be wonderful if all we ever felt was joy and happiness, but how would we appreciate or even recognize those emotions if we hadn’t also suffered through pain and sadness?

Like all feelings, this sadness and grieving will pass. The most important thing for me right now is to allow myself to feel all these feelings. I have tried to put a lot of positive energy into this battle. I have battled and I am tired, and with that tiredness comes the realization that my life has changed forever. You know how when you were a child or a teenager, death just didn’t seem to be able to touch you? Then you lost a friend, or maybe a pet, and wow – that was a slap in the face. Well, I have been slapped in the face again.

We all say to each other that life can change in the blink of an eye. I have said it before and known it was true, but now I have truly been confronted by my own mortality. Have you ever really thought about what you would do if you knew you would die soon? It is something I am thinking about: What would be the most important thing for me to do, the thing that would put me at peace? It is hard to know, but right now I think the most important thing for me would be to let the people I love know how much they mean to me. It would be important for me to spend time with my animals and with nature. I am trying to do that now – because I do not know what will happen tomorrow or the next day.

All of you who have supported and encouraged me during this time – thank you. You are the most amazing family and friends that anyone could ever ask for. My battle has been made so much easier because of you and your love. Enjoy each day – hug a friend – smile at a stranger – encourage a child – you never know how much it can mean to someone in need. I read something one time that said, “Always smile at a child, because they need to know that there is goodness in this world.” That is what you all have done for me. This has been the year from hell but you have shown me that there is goodness in the world. Thank you!