So – I have completed six days of radiation and I am still not glowing. And I only have 30 more to go. The radiation itself is not bad at all. After getting to the hospital, it takes about 10 minutes to park, get changed, have the treatment, change again, then head out for the rest of my day.  But I have to tell you the radiation really freaks me out.

The radiation treatment is called “external beam radiation.” It is similar to an x-ray but this type of radiation is much more intense. I think the part that really freaks me out is that you cannot see anything happening during the treatment. The technicians leave the room and shut the door. The room is made of six inches of concrete and lead. They monitor you with video cameras and the technicians can hear you the whole time – but I still find it creepy.

You know, one reason I have always loved biology is because it is something I can see and touch. With the chemo treatments, at least I could see the I.V. and sort of understand what was happening inside my body. Radiation reminds me too much of chemistry. I never did very well in chemistry because I cannot see electrons, protons, and neutrons. I cannot see electrons being shared between elements. It is not like biology – chemistry is just too weird for me. I am supposed to just believe that electrons orbit the nucleus and all that jazz? Well, that is the way I feel about radiation. I can’t see it, so I have no idea what those energized x-rays are doing!

My body has been healing every day. Some days I feel really good but other days the fatigue is still there. I am trying not to rush things, but it is hard for me. It is hard not to have the energy to do things that I usually do for myself. I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. I cannot imagine what this would have been like for me without such love and support.

I am trying to get it together in other ways also. I have been feeling down emotionally for a while. I think that is the reason I haven’t been writing. I’m not sure if everyone feels this way, but I feel that I am not fulfilling my purpose here on earth. I still don’t know what that purpose might be. I truly would like to leave this world a better place. I’m not sure what direction my life is going, but I feel a true longing to find out. I’ve said it many times already in this blog – life is short. To quote one of my favorite lines from a Mary Gauthier song:

“A lifetime ain’t no time at all.”

Isn’t that the truth?  No time at all, so I guess I better start figuring out what I’m supposed to be doing here. I know learning and living, but there has to be more, like serving, helping, and adding to this world, not just taking up space.

If any of you have this whole thing – life – figured out, how about giving this girl a holler and giving me a clue!