Tomorrow is my last chemo treatment. I am trying to figure out how I can be so excited yet dreading the same event. For some reason, I feel like the two emotions are totally disconnected from each other, yet I am feeling them both at the same time.

I was thinking today how my attitude has changed since the start of chemo. In the beginning, I felt totally in control. I decided when to shave my head instead of letting the chemo decide when it should fall out. But as the process has continued, I do not feel in control. I feel just like my friend Sandy said she felt when she walked this road. She felt like she was put on a conveyor belt and just rode it till they dropped her off at the end.

That is a little bit how I feel. Just riding the belt waiting for it to end. I am excited about finishing chemo tomorrow but I know that is not the end. There will be radiation and hormone treatment after chemo. The radiation will be five days a week for six weeks but the hormone treatment will go on for the next 10 years. Yes, you heard me: the next 10 years. Even though it is a pill that you take, it will be a constant reminder of this battle.

I was talking to Lorene and Sylvia tonight and I told them I cannot image what it must be like to hear the words “your cancer has returned.”  I am not projecting, just thinking. When I was struggling with making the decision about a lumpectomy or a mastectomy, I talked to my dear friend Holly. I told her I was afraid that by choosing the lumpectomy I would always fear that the cancer would come back. She chose to have the mastectomy and she said she did not think it would matter which one I chose; for her, the thought is always in the back of her mind. I think that will be true for me also. I will not live my life in fear – not by any means. I am going to live my life and enjoy my life to the fullest.

Life really is just a precious gift. None of us knows what will happen tomorrow, or in the next second, for that matter. I am fortunate to be alive right now. You are probably like me – you look back at some of the crazy things you did when you were a kid and think, It is a wonder that I’m still here. Then I think about my life before I got sober and again I am truly grateful to be alive.

So I hope I will be able to take the lessons I am learning now and continue to go forward with my new life.  A life that is full of an awareness I have never known before. A life where I remember how precious life truly is and how beautiful this world is.

It is strange, but since the very beginning of this journey I have felt like I am in the right place at the right time, and surrounded by just the right people. By “the right people” I mean all of you who are supporting me by reading this blog. The people at my job who have sent me food and donated leave to me. My wonderful friends (more like family) Sylvia, Lorene, Cheryl, and Kim, who have taken such good care of me. My beautiful friend Diane, who has encouraged me and supported me by editing these posts. My cancer survivor sisters – Nancy Pat, Sandy, Mary Dee, and Holly – who have already fought this battle and shared their stories with me. My sister Martha Gail, my mom, dad, brother-in-law, and nephews, and their families, who have given me the support I have needed to keep battling. All the fellow warriors I have met during treatment and whom I have had the honor of traveling with on this road. It is unbelievable how much support I have had during this time in my life. Thank you all.

I really like this quote and want to share it with you:

       “A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.”   – Lao Tzu

This is how I want to spend my life, because this is what we all are – travelers. We are so lucky to get to be here, to be alive, and all we have to do is show up for our lives. That is what it is time for me to do: show up and be ready for what comes next on this journey.

Thanks to all of you for preparing the armor for me. It is sitting on the chair, shiny and in excellent repair. I think it looks better than ever. I will don the armor in the morning and will be ready for battle. I am ready – mind, body, and spirit. Here we go.

Charge!