Well, it finally happened. I broke down tonight. Tears and sobbing and not able to stop.

I have tried to be strong. I have tried to keep going, but I am totally exhausted. This week has been so hard for me. I have tried to make it through without asking for help. But when Lorene came for a visit today, I just lost it. I feel like so many people have already done so much for me that I hate not being able to take care of myself.

One of the cancer warriors told me her husband asked her, “Do I have to do everything?” She told me, “I just looked at him and said yes.”  She is the warrior who has talked to me about her fatigue and her legs being so weak. At the beginning I did not understand what she was talking about, but now I totally understand. I am right there with her. I feel like I only have enough energy to get from one day to the next. Caring for my animals, the house, or the yard is more than I can handle right now. So even though it is hard for me, I have called in the cavalry to help me make it through until I can get my strength back.

I can be very hard-headed sometimes. My daddy likes to tell a story about helping me with my spelling homework when I was a kid. He would give me a word to spell and I would just sit there. “Melissa, spell cat.”  I would just sit there. “Melissa, just say something ,even if it is wrong.” And still, I would just sit there.

My mom tells a story of picking me up from school when I was in the first grade and my teacher informing her that she thought I might be developmentally disabled (which is not the actual term that was used when I was a kid). My mom freaked and took me right to the family doctor. After spending some time with me, he told my mom that the only thing wrong with me was that I was stubborn as hell.  So, like I said, I’m hard-headed, independent, and stubborn.

I think I should be able to do everything by myself. I have lived my entire life that way. I have lived my life taking care of others. I spent a huge part of my childhood taking care of the emotional needs of some of the adults in my life. I am the one who tries to make things better for others, even at the expense of my own needs. It is hard for me to ask for help. But tonight I reached my breaking point. I need help.

And the beauty of it is, the help has been here all the time. I just needed to admit to myself that I am not Wonder Woman (I know that will come as a surprise to some of you, but it is true) and to ask my beautiful friends for help.

I can already feel a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I feel that with all of your help, I will make it to the other side of this battle. I can see the armor is in good repair, shining beautifully and ready for my battle on Tuesday.

Thank you all – I love each and every one of you.