The weekends are the hardest for me.  Even though I have been overwhelmed with the outpouring of kindness shown toward me during this time, it is on the weekends when I am by myself that I miss being in a relationship.  It is hard to try and pull all this stuff together by myself.  It is during the early morning hours when I cannot sleep that my mind starts pulling me toward the darkness.  I have struggled with depression my whole life.  There are times when I fall so deep into the dark hole that it is hard to see even the smallest pinpoint of light.  I have had people tell me that it is the dark night of the soul.  It is never easy to walk through this time–but walk I must.  I cannot afford to get pulled under forever.

This week is a time to prepare my armor for battle.  I need to get all the people and all the material things together that I will need to face chemo on July 9th.  Damn, it seems like I just did this, but it is time again.  Gather all the things that must be gathered to make it through that week.  It is easy to say “live one day at a time,” but I already dread the chemo.  I dread it because of the sickness but I realize that with each treatment I am one step closer to being finished.  Now that will be a time to celebrate.

So why is it that during this time, I feel so alone? I have faced many battles on my own, and most of the time I am fine dealing with and making decisions during this battle with cancer.  But sometimes, in the stillness of my room, I feel tired, scared, unprepared, and unsure of myself.  I think the world sees a brave warrior walking each step of this battle, but behind the armor it is just me.  Just me.

It would be so nice to have someone here to hold and comfort me during these times.  Someone who I could borrow a little strength from every now and then.  Someone to help polish the armor and secure it around my body before battle.  But that is not what I have at this time in my life.  I have made lots of poor decisions as far as relationships go, and right now–today–this is where I find myself.  Fighting the battle of my life, surrounded by friends, family, and my loving animals.  It has to be enough. It is enough.