June 24, 2013

The chemo fog is finally lifting.  It is amazing the difference I feel during the first five or six days after chemo.  I imagine it feels like taking your armor off after a long battle.

The first day after chemo is usually good.  Go back to the clinic to get the Neulasta injection, feeling a little tired but not bad. Go to work, have a decent day, thinking maybe it will be different this time.  Maybe the chemo will not hit me like it did last time. Feeling pretty confident.

Then the second day after chemo rolls around and ugh–not so lucky. Arms and legs feel like they are not attached to my body; I lay on the bed and I know my limbs are attached but I cannot feel them.  I think this must be what it feels like after a long battle, when you finally make it to safety and remove the metal armor.  I am sure after carrying that weight around all day your arms and legs must feel dead.

That is the way I feel.  I have made it to the safety of my own little world and I remove my armor.  The heart, soul, spirit, and brain are there, but the body is nowhere to be found. The shell–the armor–has been removed.  The world seems different after chemo.  The eyes see but the rest of the body is in a daze, the other senses not in touch with the world surrounding me.

As days three and four roll around, things get worse.  I just cannot get comfortable: I move from space to space–bed, futon, swing, even the floor. Just someplace to get some relief.  Walking from room to room gets harder; I’m out of breath, dizzy, needing to sit down, almost passing out. Cold, then hot and sweating–just looking for a little peace.   Moving the arms and legs get harder and harder. I need to take slow, deliberate steps, not stand up too fast–shaky, dizzy, it’s hard to breathe.

I have to be careful; just need to get through this chemo as healthy as possible. Just keep taking one step at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time, trudging.  The warrior fights even when it feels like there is no fight left.  Life is worth it–fight to stay alive.  Why?  I am not sure.  Just fight, because that is who I am.