Wow. Unbelievable. This year just keeps throwing shit my way. Each time I seem to reach a little bit of peace, get a little distance, something else brings me to my knees.

The first of this year, I had a woman break up with me. I never knew there were people in this world that are so full of meanness. Maybe I realized it but never had any idea that someone would treat me that way. I realize now that I really just wanted to make life better for this person. We have all met people who have struggled through life. Always seem to get the short end of every deal. But maybe it is not life; maybe it is an unwillingness to change that causes some of these difficulties. I do not know. All I do know is that you cannot help someone who either is not asking for help or who refuses to change.

So I am just starting to feel better. Just starting to think about dating. Just starting to look to the future with hope and peace in my heart. Then: diagnosed with breast cancer—back on my knees again. Are you kidding me? You have to be kidding me. Lie in bed at night and think, No fucking way. Not really something you are prepared for; not something you can believe is happening to you.

First off: deal with just the shock of hearing the words, “You have breast cancer.” So shocked I don’t even know what to ask the doctor. Call back 30 minutes later.

“What kind?”

Invasive ductal carcinoma (that does not even sound good: invasive).

“How big?”

1.2 cm.

“What else?”

Estrogen positive; progesterone positive; HER2 negative; Ki-67 =11.

What? Mumbo jumbo—rush home to the Internet. Search, search, search.

Appointment with the surgeon, then trying to make the best decision regarding lumpectomy or mastectomy.

Lumpectomy. Then meet with the medical oncologist; still more decisions. Chemo. No chemo. More waiting. More tests. Each step trying to make educated decisions, but cannot relieve the fear that it might come back.

Okay, chemo followed by 10 years of hormone treatment and six weeks of radiation. Okay—made it thru first chemo. Feeling better emotionally than I have ever felt. Start writing, feeling that I am exactly where I am supposed to be for the first time in my life.

Then—boom. My goats get attacked by my neighbor’s dog. These are not just any goats; I bottle raised three of them since they were a few days old. They are my babies—my buddies— my joy. They have given me so much comfort and peace during this year. I like nothing better than to sit on my front porch and watch them. I like the simple things in life. But now I am at the vets with my four goats torn to shreds. Poncho can’t be saved. The other three are hanging on. I got to hold Poncho’s head and kiss him goodbye as he took his last breath.

I was so angry. I screamed, “First my ex, then breast cancer, now this. What the fuck?!” Part of my joy now gone. My heart breaking, I turn to the remaining three—Javier, Tupelo, and Honey Badger—and start trying to save them. My wonderful friend Kim, an angel right here on earth, comes to my rescue and shelters my babies and me at her barn. Waiting, praying, and sleeping in the stall with my boys. So far the remaining boys are progressing well. Two are up and aggravating everyone in sight. Still waiting on Honey Badger to join them. This year is teaching me not to take anything for granted because you never know what can and will happen tomorrow. One day at a time is as far ahead as I can look.