June 7, 2013

I meet my angel today on the way to the medical oncologist. My friend Lorene picks me up so she can take me to my appointment. She has been quite an angel herself. She is an ex who is now more like family. She has cooked, cleaned, cared for, and pampered me since I was diagnosed. I have had several relationships throughout my life and have always felt that if I loved you, just because we break up it doesn’t mean that I don’t still love you. Lorene has been a complete demonstration of that reflected back at me.

It has been hard for me to understand. I actually had to call her and ask why she was doing these kind things for me. Know what she said? Because of who you are. What??? What does that mean??? I have never been able to see the things in me that other people see. I have focused on others. When you meet me I will ask a million questions about you, so you never really get to see me. I focus on you and most people seem to be happy with the way that works.

I jump in Lorene’s Tribute and off we go. Leave my work driveway and turn left onto College Station Road, a rather busy road in Athens, GA.

As soon as we turn, we see him lumbering onto the shoulder of the road. Lorene looks at me with panic in her eyes. “We can’t,” I say. “He is a snapping turtle – we don’t have anything.” But we are already on the side of the road and I find myself running back toward the monster with a roll of plastic fencing in my hands.

What the hell am I doing? Traffic whizzing by on the four-lane road and there he is. He decides to make a run for it and so do I. Running with the fencing under one arm and the other arm over my head, trying to get the drivers’ attention. Oh God, please don’t hit him—I am so close.

He has made it across the shoulder and into the first lane. I call some guys from work – Come help! Just then two women in a white van stop to help shield my new nemesis. Then we have him, me with my fencing, one lady with a white umbrella. I try to shove him with the fence roll, but he lunges and bites. I try putting the fencing on his shell and pushing him backwards, anything to get this fool and us out of the middle of traffic. It is lunchtime in Athens, and we are on a main road leading to the eating places.

I try again, and again he snaps and grabs the fence roll. This is not working. Lorene is directing traffic, while the two other animal nuts and I are in the middle of the road, waving our fencing and umbrella. Call the guys again, and finally I see them. As Troy and John arrive, another vehicle pulls up. They tell us, “You have to grab it by the tail.” They are finally able to do just that and there he goes. Head facing down, mouth open as they run back across the road. They will put him in the river and that will be that.

Sigh of relief from all the rescuers, who’ll go home with funny stories to tell. We all jump back in our vehicles to resume our day. My faith in the goodness of humanity is restored. But how can this mean, nasty ass snapping turtle be my angel of the day? As I think about valiantly trying to save this monster, my mind drifts to my most recent significant other. The one who, on my birthday, returned everything I had given her with the words, “Sorry this didn’t work out, but I hope you have a happy birthday anyway . . . Excuse me – What?? Just like that turtle that I was trying to help: Given half a chance, he would have taken a chunk out of me. She had the chance, and she did. With her shell tightly secured around herself, she whipped around and took not only a huge chunk of my heart but also a huge chunk out of who and what I am. I am a helper, a rescuer. I will put myself out there, put myself in danger just trying to help. Just trying to help you get to the other side of the road – Damn it!

I was able to help the turtle and that feels good. I was not able to help my ex because she really did not want my help . . . but I can help myself. Really that is about all I can do: take care of myself. I will always be a helper, a rescuer, but hopefully I have learned: Pick it up by the tail and hold it our away from your body so you don’t get bitten.